Breakin’ Down The KFC Double Down
About two weeks ago, I was discussing the idea of a KFC Double Down with some friends. In case you haven’t heard of the Double Down, it is KFC’s latest “sandwich” creation– two pieces of bacon, two pieces of cheese, and some special sauce, all nestled cozily in the cleavage of two boneless chicken breasts (fried or grilled). As the youngest HTE contributor (sorry HTE staff, you’re old decrepitocity, I’m young vigor, accept it) I run the lowest risk of heart attack, so I volunteered my body for the sake of this here foodsnark blog and set out to review the KFC Double Down.
First of all, let me say that although the Double Down’s reputation of being insanely unhealthy did precede it, I was not biased. At 540 calories, 32g of fat, and 1380mg of sodium (fried version) this beast of a sandwich is not exactly “well-being food”. But the idea of a Double Down is lovable (even if a bit excessive); Fried chicken? I love fried chicken because it’s fried. Cheese is delicious. Bacon is my weekend lover. Win, win, win.
The Donut Ice Cream Sandwich
Donuts and ice cream. The second and third greatest food inventions ever. First is bacon, obviously, but donuts and ice cream are in close succession. And I spend a good portion of my day eating them and/or thinking about eating them, so it comes as no surprise to me that I started thinking about ways to combine these two glorious things.
Not For The Faint Of Heart: Snowball Cake
If you have a good pair of earplugs– or even some nice headphones will do– insert them before you read this post so I don’t BLOW YOUR MIND. This cake recipe has rocked my world for 27 years now. It is simultaneously the most disgusting thing and the most amazing thing you will ever eat.
Trezo Vino? More Like Trezo-Hell To The-No!
Every once in a while, my wife’s best friend comes to visit from New York City. Due to the fact we rarely get to spend a lot of time with her, we get all puppy dog excited when she does get a chance to come through town. Whenever I have company from out of town, I try my damnedest to showcase the lovely bars, restaurants, and entertaining shiny things that are uniquely Kansas City. Most of the time, things go off without a hitch. However, last Friday, would not be one of those times.
Why I Am Fat: The Sabor Edition
Just look at that sexy bitch chewing on some chicken. Oh yeah, I bet you are turned on, right? No? Repulsed, you say? Well, you have no idea the ecstasy I was in during the molesting of said chicken. So, lemme tell you a little story about a fine Latin restaurant I found in Wichita, Kansas of all places. The name was Sabor and it was damned tasty.
The Donut prayer.
Our Donut, which art in Horton’s,
Glazed be thy name;
thy sprinkles come;
thy custard be done,
injected, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily Timbits.
And forgive us our dozens,
as we eat dozens more and feel bloated.
And remember the cofee;
but deliver us from jelly filled.
Amen.
Stop Eating Like a Grown-Up: Squashing Food Rules
There are rules in eating, to be sure. The proper sandwich construction, for example. But there are definitely rules that are made to be broken. The stupid ones. Here’s where we break the stupid rules.
Why I Am Fat: The TomFooleries Edition
Here in Kansas City, we take great pride in our food. After all, we rank in the top 25 of the fattest cities every single year. In 2009, Men’s Fitness ranked Kansas City right at #25. Apparently, we need to step our game up. Being the proud Kansas Citian I am, I am always down to contribute to the fatty cause. (more…)
The Ugly Truth About The Five-Second Rule
We’ve all done it. Don’t be ashamed. You’ve just buttered your sourdough, and you’re turning around to grab a plate that will gently cradle your sweet, sweet toast and WHOOPS-A-DAISY, your toast is now butter-side-down on the cat-hair-covered linoleum.
You look around. Is there anyone around to see you pick up your wounded soldier of toast and drag it to safety your mouth? Blast! There is, and so you shout it loud: “FIVE SECOND RULE!” Then you retrieve the tasty morsel and devour as if nothing ever happened.
Surviving An All You Can Eat Buffet
I pride myself on being somewhat of an all-you-can-eat buffet expert. I’ve been to far more than most and through trial and error, I’ve developed a pretty solid routine that allows me to take the best advantage of the all-you-can-eat portion of the evening.
Stick with me here as I illustrate a few key points on becoming a buffet owners worst nightmare.
Jelly Beans With A Purpose
A perfume company from the Ukraine has claimed that they’ve invented a magic bean. But unlike Jack’s magic beans, these don’t grow miles-high stalks. These beans are closer to the “Magical Fruit” variety. Their beans create perfume-scented farts. Yes, I just said that. Perfume-scented farts.
Read on if you’re curious what a 30 year old female 8 year old boy sounds like.
Why I’m Fat: The Chunky Burrito Edition
“And for you, sir?”, the waitress barked in broken English. Immediately, my mind started racing back and forth. “Surely, she can’t be talking to me.”, I thought. “Oh, shit! She is talking to me!” In a panic, my eyes scanned the entire menu for the fourteenth time. You see, I don’t even know why I was looking at the menu to begin with. Maybe, I like to seem like I am mysterious and daring. Being it was approximately the 47th time I have eaten at this particular restaurant, there was absolutely zero mystery to my order. Like the true creature of habit I am, I get the very same thing every single time I enter the place. Still, I could feel the waitress’ eyes staring at me. I didn’t want to look at her. No eye contact, at least. By this point, I had wasted enough of her time. In a pure fit of panic mixed with a dash of rage, I blurted out, “I haves me da Chunky Burrrrrrito!” in a tone reminiscent of that guy who played Corky on Life Goes On. (more…)
National Donut Day – Better than Christmas
When you say the word “donut”, I think “yes, please.” When you say the word “pastry”, my mind goes “wait…weren’t we talking about donuts?” When you say the word dessert, inside I go “Donut. Now. Make that two.” And when you say the word “food”, the first thing that pops into my head is “WHERE THE HELL ARE THE DONUTS?!?”
Friday June 4th, 2010. National Donut Day.
Wiener Spiders – The Savior of Hot Dogs
Does anyone know what hot dogs are actually made of? I mean, sure, some of the packages claim they are “All Beef” but not all beef is created equal. Hooves, for example. Not really the same as, say, a nicely marbled red grill angus boneless striploin. And yet, still considered beef. Hot dogs are basically pureed heifer, so it would be silly for them to be made out of any part of the cow that is even remotely presentable.
I’m pretty much against all things hot dog. That’s no secret. They are practically tubed sin. But there is something that can be done to salvage them. I will tell it to you.
Goldfish – a polite discussion
Though we discuss The Rules and show you the right and wrong things to eat, along with how, we here at How to Eat are human. And as humans we sometimes disagree. When these disagreements are epic enough, loud enough, or we simply feel like it – we will bring them to you.
Recently it was discovered that Jen O. hates Goldfish crackers, or as she calls them “fishy crackers.” Seeing as how I simply know this to be the idea of a woman gone, obviously, mad, I felt the need to correct her, in this, a public forum. Jen?
“Goldfish Crackers”, are quite simply, in my opinion, disgusting. They are not food. Adam thinks they are, but he’s wrong. We could be responsible grown-ups and just agree to disagree on the subject, but let’s be honest here. Our Grown-Up Cards got lost in the mail and we’ve never bothered to re-apply.
They are not food. Your witness.
REVIEW: Tater Tots, All The Way
The other week I was in Atlanta. While in the ATL, I stopped by the Highlander. For those of you who have never been there, the Highlander is a fantastic bar with great food. They also specialize, sort of, in tater tots.
What?
Yes. They specialize in Tater Tots. How awesome is that. Now, when I saw specialize I don’t mean they have a whole menu of stuff with tater tots, no. More that they offer tots with anything, instead of say, fries, but also they offer something awesome:
Tater Tots, all the way.
Sandwich-Salads, Acceptable And Otherwise
Alright, world. We need to talk. See, I just went to the grocery store and came across The Most Disgusting Thing In The History Of Food (hereafter referred to as The Abomination): a ham salad sandwich. We’ll come back to The Abomination, but first I think we need to have a long, heartfelt talk about what are acceptable types of “salad” and what are not.
Movie Nachos: A Dramatic Reenactment
I hate popcorn. I know, I know. “Who the HELL hates popcorn?” Me. I hate popcorn. I hate the taste, I hate the smell, I hate how the kernel skins get stuck between your teeth and your gums and lodge themselves so far in there that you can’t even floss it out and it irritates and festers and you wake up in the morning with a swollen, throbbing, infected face. Yeah. My hatred might be based on post traumatic stress disorder.
I do love to go to the movies, though. I love it and I’d go all the time if I could. And, of course, I love movie snacks. I have a few standbys – Junior Mints, Glossette Almonds, and the ever-glorious nachos.
The Basics of Cupcakery
Hello, kids. I’m here today to talk to you about joy. Oh, this is a food blog? Not a joy blog? WRONG. The two are synonymous. And the most joy-producing food of all is the cupcake. This is agreed upon by menstrual women and their husbands the world over.
However, there are circumstances in which a cupcake will actually produce no joy. The recent cupcake craze has left the world confused and questioning how to make and/or enjoy a cupcake correctly so as to maximize the joy. After the jump, you’ll find The Basics of Cupcakery: Inviting Joy Into Your Life.
Dealing With Hunger: Part 1
Hunger can sometimes be a powerful, overwhelming thing. Your stomach growls and groans, your bile churns and grows angry, impatient for food, turning to your innards for sustenance. Your blood sugar drops, leaving you fainty and irritable, ready to tear the face off the next person who looks at you.
You think “What the hell is happening to me? Am I dying? Am I gestating a violent, flesh-eating, alien baby? What will I name him? Probably Henry. Henry is a smart name to name my alien baby.” And that’s normal. It’s natural for you to go more than a little insane when your body is in need of food. Calories will cure the crazy.
But you need to be careful. There are many things that can go terribly, terribly wrong when trying to fight the fainties. Let us help you.
